“could have, might have, and should have.” ~Unknown

This morning, my EGO jumped in and is creating a committee meeting in my head: “Hey you, woulda, coulda, shoulda, mighta been, woman…get with it already. You’re not getting any younger.” Wow! Talk about feeling defeated, no matter what I have accomplished in my life. There it is. Our little egos just love to keep us small. Keep us from dreaming, feeling secure and stable and reaching our “ah-ha” moments.

I have always been an artist at heart. I actually had dreams of becoming an actor, singer, dancer, writer; but, I didn’t have the support of my family so I never believed I had enough talent. I chose, instead, to follow THEIR dreams for me, rather than my own. Get married to a well-to-do man, have children, be active in the P.T.A. and charitable organizations. Well, I got married to a man who forgot he was supposed to be faithful. I have two, amazing, gifted children that are my heart’s beat, I was active in the P.T.A., even having them sponsor me so I could open Malibu, California’s first higher conscious enrichment program for the children. I called the program “Creative Expressions”, something I wasn’t allowed as a child.

I became a Realtor and sold 100’s of millions of dollars’ worth of real estate over the years. Wanting to give back, I enrolled in a Life Coaching program in Marin, California and graduated as a Life Coach. I combined their curriculum with my Law of Attraction and A Course in Miracles studies and give workshops and coach others in person and on-line.

I started two companies. One I called “Vicki’s Fantasies” and the other “Ray of Light Natural Beauty.” I was honored at UCLA’s Women of the Year conference for my entrepreneurial achievements.

I have written two books. One with the children I taught at our local Montessori on where we go after we die called “This is Not Goodbye…It’s Halo” and one on the overweight and obesity epidemic titled “Hello, Beautiful…How the Power of Self-Love Heals and Transforms You Forever.”

I campaigned tirelessly for Marianne Williamson to win her Congressional bid. I was invited to a select gathering of empowered women in San Francisco to meet Hillary Clinton and was able to chat with her and give her a copy of my new book.

I wish I could tell you after all I have done, I have a profound sense of freedom and release. What I do know for sure, that all of these accomplishments and experiences have one thing in common…Creativity. Doing something creative, however small, has been like one, on-going, therapy session. The saddest part of my story is my immediate family, has not embraced my life’s work. This is the burning knot in the pit of my stomach that never goes away. You see, I didn’t do it their way. I didn’t become a millionaire or a member of a country club or learned to play golf. I didn’t remain a size ten or have plastic surgery to remove my lines and wrinkles. I didn’t re-marry a wealthy man. No, I did it my way. I married a woman instead and have worked hard, saved a little, gave away a lot more than I probably should have, didn’t become a “joiner” of clubs, groups or tribes, never got into sports or exercise regimens, went from a size 10 to a size 16, moved to the country and witnessed nature unfold miraculously every day, cooked healthy, organic meals and continue to be curious about everything.

Well, I am at a crossroads. I want to do more. I want to turn my life upside down, shake it well, and see what comes out. No, I don’t have a lot of money to fund my last chapter (this ain’t no Eat, Pray Love movie) but I want to heal all past wounds, regrets and forgive those who have hurt me and forgive myself for anyone I have hurt and for all those woulda, coulda, shoulda, might have been self-defeating thoughts. I want to be an instrument of Source and give, give, give…I want to know I have done my personal best and God will reward me and allow me to die in my sleep…only to awaken to His/Her open arms and the glorious world I came from. Stay tuned.

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